SEAN: The boring, old summer holidays were finally over
and the dull, damp autumn had arrived at last,
bringing with it that sweet-smelling slanty rain,
enchanting early evenings and endless darkness.
What are you doin', love?
And of course, Martin Moone's first day of secondary school.
Hi, Des. Morning, Delma.
First day of big school, Martin?
That's right, Des, dipping my toe into the adult scene.
- Like a peckish shark. - Did you bring it?
- Kiss? - After the Feast, yeah?
But an eager shark, Des.
Excited by the prospect of a bigger boat. (GIGGLES)
Have you seen Jaws?
Can I have a lift, too? No.
A lift? Who wants a lift?
I've been looking forward to this walk for three boring months, buddy.
This is an historic walk.
A new era, a new school.
A new walk.
I think I'm just gonna stick with my regular walk, though.
Oh, all right, whatever. Old-school walk.
Boring!
You're jealous now.
You're jealous of my new-school walk.
You know, we're running pretty late, Marty.
Maybe we should ask these girls for directions.
I'm a man now, Sean. I'm not asking directions from a bloody woman.
I know where I'm going. It's just around this corner.
You're one of the big green people now, buddy.
You're like the Incredible Martin or
the Jolly Green Martin or
Kermit the Martin.
I'm a grown-up green.
No room in my new school for childish...
Wait, wait, wait, wait. Isn't this your old school?
Flip it!
(MUSIC PLAYING)
# Dancing at the disco, bumper to bumper
# Wait a minute, where's me jumper?
# Where's me jumper, where's me jumper?
Oh, no #
(SONG PLAYING)
- What are we listening to? - Oh, I made a mix tape of super tunes
for the new school drive.
- Jesus and Mary Chain. - Brilliant!
- Heaven 17. - Classic!
Maxi Priest.
- Sensing a theme. - Oh, you got me.
It's my eighties mix.
- Thanks for the lift. - Wouldn't want my little Virgin Mary...
- Not my name. ...waddling all this way on her ownio.
Hey.
You're not the first unmarried girl up the pole in this school.
And you won't be the last.
Sure, that girl over there has underage conception written all over her.
- That's Trisha. - Well, yeah, I know.
Think I'm just gonna keep a low profile and maybe nobody will notice
that I'm a big gigantic whale.
Hey! Stop that chat.
At most, you are a normal-sized whale.
(CHUCKLES)
I love you, baby.
You too, Delma.
- Trisha, where's Martin? - You don't know me.
Oh, right. My mistake.
How could you get lost in Boyle?
There's really just two streets.
The ridiculous one-way system always throws me, Mam.
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
Uh, hi Eamonn. I'm afraid Martin here is late for his first day.
- Sorry, sir. I mean, Your Honour. - Not to worry. Run along.
(SIGHING)
(CLICKS TONGUE)
Cannot believe he's starting big school already.
- Hope he'll be okay. - He'll be grand.
- Kids today basically school themselves. - Do they, though?
I don't suppose you've ever been to Nairobi?
Have you, Debra?
Oh, um...
- No. - It's supposed to be magical.
The Kenyans are such a furtive people.
Probably why they hid all that stuff in the pyramids.
- Good holidays this year, eh? - (SIGHS)
Time of my life! Time of my fecking life!
Three best things about teaching, Debra.
- June, July and August. - (CHUCKLES)
- Good. - Anyway. Here we are.
- Back at bloody school. - (BOTH LAUGHING)
Yeah, speaking of which...
I haven't seen any poster up for the back to school dance.
- Yeah, there's no dance this year. - Why is that?
I always thought it was such a great way to help the new kids settle in.
No major reason, really. Just no one wanted to organise it.
So we all got together and just decided not to bother.
- Well, that was a dynamic decision. - We're a dynamic bunch.
Well, see you later, Deb.
(AFRICAN CHORAL MUSIC PLAYING)
How are you settling in? Did you get your welcome pack?
We have welcome packs?
Uh, they're mostly tampons.
It's weird being in a school with girls, isn't it?
Actually, I feel really at home here.
Whole place smells like lip gloss and Bros posters.
Dad says women are like men who've been hit in the head.
Look at them all. Talking about periods and scrunchies
- and Patrick Swayze. - That's not all they talk about, Martin.
I was watching Patrick Swayze last night in Dirty Dancing...
- Yeah? (EXCLAIMS) ...and I got my period.
- It hurt like an overtightened scrunchy. - Ow!
Hi, Neamh. Hi, Alison. Hi, Claire. Hi, other Claire.
- How do you know their names? - I don't.
I'm not going to let that stop me. You have to exude confidence, Martin.
To be popular, you have to act popular.
How are you, Jimmy? Give your mother my love.
Who's Jimmy?
But hey, you have your sisters will look after you.
Yeah, that's true. Hi, Sinead.
Hi, Sinead.
(STAMMERING) This doesn't exude confidence.
See you at home, so.
So, enough about me. Let's talk about you.
That's good. Swing them. All the way around.
Come on, swing them, all... That's good. Well done!
That's good, Fiona.
Looks like you gave exercise a bit of a rest over the summer there, Delma.
Yeah, I suppose I did.
Seriously, you've kind of gotten fat.
You're not the only one. You've all put on a few pounds.
- Yeah, I suppose. - Nobody more than you, though.
Don't worry. At least you'll have your full focus on P.E. This year.
'Cause in your state, none of the lads will be trying to distract you.
Come on. That's good. That's good. You all right?
Can't believe art is an actual class here.
Thought this was a proper school with proper subjects.
Like woodwork and fighting.
Whoa! Is that our teacher?
(MUMBLING GIBBERISH)
(LOVING YOU PLAYING)
(EXCLAIMS)
- Did I startle you? - Yes, you did.
Good!
You should be startled.
You're in the bloody big school now. Art should startle.
That's why that says "startle".
That does say "startle".
What are your names? You?
- Uh, Padraic O'Dwyer. - Not your given name.
This isn't a police station. It's a creation station. What's your real name?
(WHISPERING) Padraic O'Dwyer.
P-O-D
Pod.
I... Pod.
IPod? That's weird, but it's okay.
- You? - Oh, Butch Cassidy.
Less good. Be more original.
- Sundance Kid. - The Sundance Kid?
That... That's brilliant.
Yes. Come on now, everybody. Shout out your name.
- IPod! - The Sundance Kid!
- Jack Charlton! - Rasputin!
- Terence Trent D'Arby - Hitler.
- BOTH: Milli Vanilli. - Love them.
- Spartacus. - No, I am Spartacus.
My given name is Miss Tivnan.
Yeah, but what should we call you?
You should call me Miss Tivnan.
Now, everybody, look under your desks. What's there?
There's something under our desks. Hey, we got it. We won.
- A big ball of Play-Doh. - Look closer, Rasputin.
- Hear anything? - What's inside it? Come on.
- My one's just full of Play-Doh. - Genius!
Genius is inside it, iPod.
And all you have to do is let it out.
Genius is inside it. Kill it!
Do you want me to make something?
Oh, not just something, iPod. Something called art!
(CLAY THUMPING)
You have just been arted.
My puberty just started.
I think I just farted.
- (LOVING YOU PLAYING) - Yes.
(SNIFFS)
You're in big school now, Sundance.
- Anything could happen. - To either of us.
Things change quickly here.
Which is why I'm now...
A mermaid.
Mermaid.
- Splishy-splashy. - And now I'm riding a unicorn. (GIGGLES)
Oh, God. I wish I was that unicorn.
So, is it a face?
Stop trying to make sense of it, Mam. It's not a thing.
BOTH: It's an art.
- So, not a face. Okay. - Oh, heathen.
Anyway, how was your first day?
- Did you meet any new friends? - I met a teacher.
A beautiful, mental teacher.
Who makes her own jewellery and smells like glue and chardonnay.
What about actual friends?
- Does Padraic count? - No.
You see, this is why you need the back to school dance.
You need an event. To help break the ice and make new friends.
Padraic is lovely.
But it's also nice to have friends who don't eat stones for money.
- WOMAN: Hello, Martin's school. - Hi, Eamonn Conlon, please.
Not even Dessie is interested in me any more.
Cause I'm so big and fat and...
- Pregnant. - Here, love. Eat your sadness away.
- EAMONN: Aloha. - Hi, Eamonn. Debra Moone here.
- EAMONN: What? Oh, right. - I'd like to talk about the dance again.
Any chance you could turn the Hawaiian music down a sec?
- Jesus! - Oh! I wish!
Sorry to disturb.
Well, I didn't hear you coming in.
- Wearing my church shoes. - Oh, all right. That's creepy.
Listen, do you mind if I come in for a quick chat?
I suppose not. Take a seat, Dessie.
Well, uh, Mr Moone.
As you know, Fidelma and I have recently sexually conceived a child.
Yes, I'm aware of that.
The Lord has blessed us with a baby from our two bodies.
Yeah, I know how it works, Dessie.
And although that was wild and wonderful
- and mutually fulfilling for us... - You know I'm her father, right?
Exactly why I'm here, Liam.
I think it's only right to doff my cap to tradition
and go through the formality of attaining your blessing
to take Fidelma's hand in marriage.
(SCOFFS)
Fair play to you, Dessie.
So?
Shall I pop open the Boyle bubbles?
I think that's it's really honourable that you came here to ask me that.
But the answer's gonna have to be no.
- I'm sorry. But wait, Liam... - Thanks for dropping by, though.
All the best now.
Uh, no! But wait, Mr Moone! I'm not expecting much of a dowry!
(BELL RINGING)
Ah! So it's really happening, huh?
Do we need dates for this thing?
- Hi, Martin. - Hi, Mam.
PADRAIC: How are you, Mrs M?
Do you wanna go to this nonsense together?
Sorry, Martin. I'm going with my girlfriend.
You have a girlfriend already?
What can I say? Seems like old iPod is a hit with the ladies.
(BOTH SINGING THE TIME OF MYLIFE)
- Hi, Padraic. - Hey, girlfriend.
I forget her name.
(SIGHS)
Now, don't just draw her like a bunch of stupid, bloody sheep. Okay?
You must look for the essence of her character
and capture it.
But in a drawing?
Yes, iPod, I want you to draw her.
- (SCOFFS) Stupid iPod. - LINDA: Miss Tivnan?
Should I maybe take my top off or something?
No you're fine there, Linda.
I've done this before. I have no problem doing it.
It might actually help, Miss.
- Let's all take our tops off. - TIVNAN: Oh, no!
Tops on, pens down and open your little, arty minds.
And let the sweet songs of the birds wash over you
like an inspirational power shower.
God, Miss Tivnan is so nice.
She is like a mermaid.
I really like her, buddy. I think I might invite her to the school dance.
But she can't even see you.
So? You can just tell her how cool I am.
Oh, and how tall.
Women love tall men. Because they don't like the idea
of their boyfriends stealing their clothes.
You see, the problem with this now is that is noughts and crosses.
I like her, too.
You? (SNIGGERS) Let's be realistic.
- Is this your work, Sundance? - MARTIN: Oh, uh, yeah.
I see a recurring figure here.
Very interesting form.
See, she thinks I'm interesting. (SNAPS FINGERS)
Actually I've drawn him kind of wrong here.
He's actually a lot older than this.
He should have a pair of big, silly glasses.
And a big, stupid, grey moustache.
Yes, actually, that is better now. He looks totally ridiculous.
Good work, Sundance.
Unbelievable!
At least I'm still tall, short arse!
Whoops! Just slipped off.
DEBRA: Now, I was thinking we could have some mad balloons over the doors
and maybe some streamers in the DJ corner.
Who's gonna DJ?
- 'Cause I was thinking maybe I... - I've been thinking about that too.
We need someone who's really hip
and knows what everyone's into at the moment.
Real music hound, you know.
And we have the perfect person pretty close to home, in fact.
Ah! There he is now.
- Ah! For... - Desmondo?
Any chance you could DJ at my gig on Friday?
No problemo, Mrs M.
I'll get my DJ attire over to the drycleaners. (CHUCKLES)
Those are lovely.
I'm afraid Fidelma's out at the moment, though.
Actually, I was kinda looking for Mr Moone.
Is he around?
- Eh, no. He's out with the lads. - Right.
Well, maybe you could just tell him I called?
Yeah.
He was very keen to see you.
I know I've said it before, but...
- I think he fancies you. - (EXHALES)
- He wants my blessing. - For what?
- To ask Delma to marry him. - Shut up!
- (SIGHS) - What did you say?
- What do you think? - Ah! Liam!
I just can't do it. He's such a...
- Clappy, sappy little wimp. - It took guts to ask you.
Do you think I should have said yes?
Any chance there might be a dowry?
(SCOFFS)
And that's why they call them dumbbells.
(LAUGHING)
- See you later, then. - Yes.
- Um, Miss Tivnan? - Oh!
- Sundance? - I was wondering...
Well, I noticed there's a dance tomorrow and I don't know if you're going or not
or if you have anyone to go with, if you are.
How dare you!
And I'm sure you're busy doing art or something.
- Oh, my God! - And you're probably not...
- But if you were going... - Stealing the future wife
of your imaginary friend. That is low.
And you were looking for someone to go with who's real!
- And available. - My back is very itchy. What is that?
Martin, here you go.
You left your spare underpants at home, love.
Here you go.
- He just can't deal with the milk. - Oh!
I gotta go prop up the canteen queue.
You need something to cut your humble pie with, milky pants?
Yeah, run away. Wife stealer!
Look at me!
(WHISPERING) Look at me!
(MOONDANCE PLAYING)
DESSIE: It's marvellous. It's marvellous.
Above in your eyes.
The cover of October...
Do we really have to be here? The house is empty, Debs.
Do you know how long it is since we've had non-silent sex?
Shh!
Why is no one dancing?
Uh, your choice of DJ, perhaps.
Of your heart strings that play soft and low.
Nope, no problem there.
- Liam's here. - Forget about Liam.
Are you going to let him stand in the way of your dreams?
- Possibly! - There's only one person's permission
- you need. - My own.
- Actually, I was thinking of Fidelma. - Right, Fidelma.
Yeah.
- (MUSIC STOPS) - (FEEDBACK WHINING)
Ladies and gentlemen, I have an announcement to make.
Actually, it's more of a question.
Fidelma Moone.
I've loved you from the very first moment I met you.
Or at least from about the end of that month.
I can't tell you how proud I am
that my seed is now growing inside your lovely, big womb.
But I'm not content with just showering your uterus with my love.
DEBRA: Oh, sweet Jesus.
I want to shower every other part of your body, too.
Starting with...
- Your finger. - (WHISPERING) Feck off.
Fidelma Moone.
- Will you marry me? - Wow!
You really don't understand the term "low profile", do you?
Of course I will.
(I KNOWIT'S OVER PLAYING)
There's nothing wimpy about that.
- Ah, yeah! He's... - Oh, for...
Trisha! People can't dance to that.
Ah, Mam. No one dances at the back to school dance.
They only come to see which girls have got fat.
Well, they will this year. This dance will be a success
whether you bitches like it or not.
Ah, no! I see Michelle Dirkins has been hitting the kebabs.
(MUSIC STOPS)
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
Jeez, she really has.
That's more like it! Good man, Padraic!
Which is why she thought the spare underpants were for me,
- when really they were for Padraic. - Martin. Start dancing, will you?
- What? On my own? - Go on. Just to get things going.
- Mam! No way! - Well, I'll go out there with you.
- We can dance together. - That's even worse.
- I'm not dancing with my mam. - Ah, Martin!
You're not afraid of what other people are gonna think, are you?
- Uh, no, of course not. - You didn't choose the name Sundance
- for no reason, eh? - Have you seen the film?
- I've seen Flashdance. Classic! - Great film.
And if that is anything to go by, I would love to see a Sundance.
Don't worry. I'm sure everyone will join in once you start.
Go on, dance with Debra. Go on.
They lady wants to see you dance, buddy.
(TIME OF MYLIFE PLAYING)
Just look at me!
Just see me once!
You won't be disappointed.
Oh, what is he doing?
SEAN: (LAUGHING) Look at him! Big fecking eejit!
(LAUGHING) What is that?
Look at him go! He's going to be the most popular lad in the school.
Let's go.
All right, all right, we've all had our fun.
Come on, everybody come in and join him.
Come on!
Come on, people! Come on, join him!
Look at him! He's dancing his little heart out.
Oh, balls.
(WHISTLING)
Hey, you look like an idiot.
Let's look like an idiot together.
Oh!
We did it!
- We did it, Martin! - This isn't so bad.
- I think we're doing okay. - I bet Miss Tivnan thinks we're amazing.
Quick! While they're distracted by that dancing eejit!
Come on, you big, stupid, sexy bastard.
They think you're the best dancer in the world.
ALL: (CHANTING) Dance, dance, dance, dance!
- (CHANTING CONTINUES) - I feel like a swan.